]I have a question that I ask myself every morning; what can I do to help create an authentic space for women? However, before I can attempt to answer it, I first must shift the way I look at the world. For you see, my experiences and relationships, from infancy to today, have shaped my perspective. In other words, my lense does not have a full peripheral view. Early on, I realized that if I wanted to do the work closest to my heart, I needed to make a shift and learn to listen actively.
I was, and sometimes still am, the person who enters a conversation solely to change another persons’ mind. Sadly, it’s more critical for me to be right then for the other person to feel seen, heard, and accepted. And as you can imagine, that was a painful truth to learn. I had to own that I was the one in the way of meaningful conversations and relationships with other women. For the creative, open space I desire for women requires that we keep the other woman’s full humanity in mind. (1) What is active listening?
The definition that resonates with me is from Harriet Lerner; authentic listening requires you to quiet your mind, slow your breathing, open your heart, and ask questions to understand better what is being said. (2) In addition, listening requires vulnerability.; the willingness to show up as my authentic self, messy parts, and all.
I remember entering into a conversation with my husband; with my new tools in hand, I was determined to be the pristine example of listening. Regrettably, I did everything but listen, and after 10 minutes, I was utterly exhausted. Why, because I spent most of the time noting everything I was doing wrong, and biting my tongue so I wouldn’t start to argue. I spent more time telling my brain to focus than I did listening to him. Amazingly, I consider this to be one of the most rewarding conversations because I did not enter into it to make him wrong.
Learning to listen with an open heart and with vulnerability creates a space of authentic connection. Additionally, when there is an intention to leave an individual’s perspective at the door, there is a magical understanding that takes place because you are listening to learn, not to conform. Can you imagine the vibrant conversations that would take place? Imagine how you would feel if you were seen, heard, all while being you!
To paraphrase Dr. Seuss’s Expand Your Horizons
The more you listen
the more things you know,
The more that you learn
the more places you’ll go. (3)
In conclusion, please do not be afraid to give authentic listening a try, it may be challenging, but the more you do, the better you get. Go ahead, and make a shift!
- (1 &2) Harriet Lerner; The Dance of Connection
- (3) Dr. Suess; Suess-isms!