Choosing Not To Choose
Sometimes you must decide to do what is right and aligned with your core values. And those moments are hard. Last week I found myself in such a moment- let me preface this by saying when stressed, my mode of flight-freeze-fight is to fight. Here I was, in a work setting, and I found that a word used innocently (the facilitator was giving directions to an activity) created a feeling of stress- of survival- and my first reaction was to fight back. My chest was tight, I could feel myself disconnecting from the group, my face and gaze were hardening, and I was ready to kick some ass. All because one word made me feel that whatever choice I made, I would be choosing someone and leaving someone out. I knew rationally that my feelings were not what the activity called for, but my stress reaction drove a different storyline. After the exercise was over, we discussed what showed up for us. I shared that I felt I was being asked to choose certain people from a group that I was deeply connected to, and I didn’t feel comfortable participating.
It wasn’t until a week after our meeting, during a recap session, that a female co-worker shared her schoolyard experience of being rejected. Then another woman shared her experience of being the last one chosen for a team, and I also realized I had a schoolyard story of rejection. I remember as a young girl feeling that I was not good enough-I was not pretty enough, thin enough, I had the wrong zip code, and my family didn’t have enough money. Through words and body language within society, I learned whom to compare myself to and what was expected of me if I wanted to be considered enough. By my senior year in high school, my mindset had shifted from comparison to f**k it-I’m going to be me. I did what I thought was right; I started protecting myself. I would practice staring at myself in the mirror until I perfected my don’t f**k with me stare. At the time, I didn’t realize that by closing myself off from anything that could harm me, I closed myself off from all feelings.
By my mid-twenties, I began to see what protecting myself had cost me, and I started doing the work, using self-compassion and kindness to heal the tender parts of me. And I made a commitment to myself that I would be mindful and do my very best not to make another person feel that they didn’t belong. Time travel forward to last week’s meeting, some thirty years since I made my commitment. One word, innocently spoken, brought me full circle, would I participate in an activity where I would have to choose people? It would have been easy to go with the flow; it was a fun activity, no one knew what was going on in my head. But I couldn’t, I was having such a strong physical reaction, and I knew it was really about my values, words, and actions being in alignment. So instead, I chose not to participate, and my connected group said, OKAY, let’s talk about this. I am reminded once again of how powerful words are. They have energy-be mindful of every word, whether thought or spoken. Use words intentionally, in love, and with kindness.
And now I wonder about all the girls and grown women who have similar schoolyard stories. I want you to know I see you; you don’t have to choose to compare yourself to others or block off your feelings. You are enough, every messy, imperfect part of you.
